November 19th is International Men’s Day and it is imperative that we start looking into men’s mental health – the reasons it often gets overlooked and how to address this concern.
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Socialization of gender roles play a big role in why men’s mental health tends to go unnoticed. Since childhood, men have been taught certain things such as to hold their feelings in, have a stiff upper lip and that “boys don’t cry” so it’s better to “man up”. There are implicit notions that expressing oneself openly is not a “masculine” thing to do. Hence, there is naturally a great deal of stigma attached to men seeking help.
On closer inspection, these implicit assumptions do not hold water because feelings are experienced by everyone, and no one gender can have the monopoly over emotion. Human beings are not one-dimensional but complex and diverse creatures. The fact that gender is fluid rather than binary, that the fixed gender roles we have grown up learning are not enough to capture the diversity of human experience. Such roles evolve over time as each individual does and that it is very much in the natural course of things is a concept that we as a society are still trying to wrap our heads around.
We have internalized outdated and inaccurate notions of masculinity and it is time to set the record straight and break the stigma. Here are some messages to contemplate in order to counter the years of negative conditioning:
- It is okay to ask for help.
There is nothing wrong with seeking a source of support. In fact, the need to be heard is one of the most natural human needs and can be highly liberating.
- Feelings are there to be experienced, not suppressed.
Men have a tendency to bottle up their feelings, instead of acknowledging them and consequently processing them naturally. With time, these repressed feelings turn up in unhealthy and displaced ways.
- It is not weak to open yourself up to someone, and in fact requires courage.
The strong man act is just that, an act. Sometimes true strength lies in being able to be vulnerable to share what you’re going through when you need it.
- Suffering sees no gender and help is available
Struggle and suffering are part of the shared human experience. No gender is spared the suffering, so why should any gender be spared help?
- You don’t need to do everything on your own.
There is no need to suffer by yourself in silence. There are people who are readily available to listen. All you need to do is ask.
- Mental illness does not equal weakness.
Mental illness is not a choice. It happens, and can be treated the same way a broken leg can be treated by addressing it in time and with care.
- Sharing your feelings will not make you a burden to others.
In fact, you may sometimes find that sharing actually make your relationship with the other person closer by giving them the chance to understand you better and care for you.
- Self-care is not just for women, and it is not an indulgence.
Self-care is not a luxury, it’s a necessity for everyone. Any action that adds to your emotional and physical well-being is an act of self-care.
- Whatever you are going through may not be as uncommon as you think.
We feel ashamed about a lot of things, thinking we’re the only ones having certain thoughts or feelings. You are very likely not the only one, which is comforting.
- Mental health is a priority.
Start putting yourself first. That way you can be there to take care of everyone and everything else instead of burning out.
To all men out there, you may be a son, a partner, a father, a provider and play multitudinous other roles that make you the complex and intricate being you are. You may still feel you need to act strong and be brave for everyone around you. But before you’re a role, you’re a person. You are allowed to take care of yourself too.
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