All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.
William Shakespeare

Expectations are a strange thing because so much of our
behaviour revolves around it. On a day to day basis, we spend time consciously
or unconsciously attempting to meet the needs, demands and expectations of
others. According to famous sociologist Erving Goffman and his dramaturgical
approach, we don several roles during the day as someone’s child, parent,
sibling, partner, employee, friend and each of these roles come with norms
that are acceptable and may even be assigned. Deviations from the script of
the role we play are not always entertained. Direct or indirect rewards may be
given when we match up to our role, direct or indirect punishment may be given
when we don’t.

One may wonder why we think it is so important to be a part
of an exchange which at times may seem quite burdensome; meeting expectations
is not always easy. Perhaps this great value given to meeting expectations
bears an expectation in return: an expectation that we will be acknowledged,
appreciated and most importantly accepted. This very real and human need for
acceptance acts as a strong motivation in daily living, often without our even
realizing it.

The complicated thing about expectations is that they are
all about relationships. Your smartphone has no expectations from you, but the
people you constantly use it to call and send funny memes of the day to most
certainly do. Expectations have a history, a personality and a colour of their
own that changes with each individual, each setting and each relationship. And
when certain expectations aren’t met, they can have a psychological impact on
everyone involved.

The pressure of
meeting another’s expectations may lead to stress, anxiety and depression as
well as carry over to physical health such as inducing hypertension, ulcers and
gastrointestinal disorders. Wellbeing involves both body and mind, so when one
is affected, there are consequent changes in the other.

Freud got it right when he said that in some form or another
of our behaviour as adults usually echo patterns internalized from childhood.
Our most important and deep-rooted social connections as children are with our
primary caretakers, usually parents. Entire adult lives are spent trying to
live up to our parent’s expectations, to earn their pride, their love and their
approval. This is reflected even in other relationships, whether in the way we
choose romantic partners or lead our professions. Behind each choice is an
implicit need we are trying to fulfil or an expectation we are trying to
uphold. Explicit expectations are comparatively easy to meet, but what about
these expectations that you may not even be aware you have or are trying to
meet?

Following are some ways to better understand and navigate
this web of expectations that we have spun and live in on a daily basis.

Observe the people in
your circle

Psychologist Albert Bandura posited that a great deal of
understanding happens by observational learning, wherein we assess the
situation by looking at people or models present in the setting you are in. What
do the people in your life expectancy of you? How do you find yourself trying
to match up?

Reflect on your needs

It is important to identify what you expect of other people,
and what needs of yours these are fulfilling. For instance, do you look for a
caregiver in your partner or are you looking for friendship in it? Knowing who
you are and what you expect from others helps a great deal in setting realistic
expectations and avoiding disappointments.

When in doubt, just
ask

As mentioned earlier, expectations are not always made
explicitly, so if you have questions about what is expected of you in a
particular area in terms of your work or behaviour, ask a friend, colleague or
mentor. This clarification may clear your doubt, and others appreciate
proactive effort.

Assess

Take the time to critically evaluate whether what is being
asked of you or what you are expecting of another is realistic and reasonable.
You will find that some expectations don’t hold up well under scrutiny and may
be purely emotion-driven. Creating clear boundaries will help you to be more
authentic as well as efficient.

Be sincere in
your communication

Following from previous points, it is extremely important to
communicate your own expectations to others as well as express to what level it
is possible for you to meet those of others. Being honest goes a long way in
creating harmonious relationships and healthy expectations.

There is no clear rule-book yet we each dance this
complicated dance every single day, learning and adjusting. And then we have
our own expectations too: expectations we have of other people and expectations
we have of ourselves, and sometimes of some people, we stop having any
expectations at all. The truth is that it isn’t easy or even possible to meet
every expectation, especially since all the variables involved (you, the other
person, the situation and the expectation itself) are constantly shifting. You
know you have to do the dance, but no one tells you what steps to follow.
Surprisingly though considering how complicated it all is, expecting and
being expected of we manage to carry on, we humans, the masters of ingenuity
and adaptability.