Is this Love or a Trauma bond? How will I know?

Trauma Bond vs Love Bond: Know the difference

Oh yes! You could be in a trauma bond and not realize it. Here’s what trauma bond is, and more importantly how it is not love.

Firstly, trauma bonding is not the same as bonding with someone over a shared trauma. Psychologists describe trauma bonding as the defining characteristic of many toxic and abusive relationships.

Trauma bonds are unbelievably difficult to leave. It is the bond that gets formed in an abusive relationship. It is often mistaken for love.

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What exactly is a trauma bond?

Trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment which a victim of abuse inadvertently feels towards the abuser.

Who are prone to developing trauma bonds?

Those who have a history of abuse, exploitation, manipulation, or emotional dependence in their childhood or past relationships.

Why do people develop trauma bonds?

No abusive relationship is 100% abusive. There are always better days or the so called ‘honeymoon period’. This puts the victims in a tricky situation.

They are unable to leave the relationship because the positive moments keep their relationship hopes alive, so to say. Some victims of abusive relationships even believe that they can change their abusive partners, which is far from happening.

The victim’s mind, driven by the desire to survive and reproduce, learns to focus on the relationship’s positives while ignoring the negatives.

It is the highly unpredictable nature of the relationship with a mix of fear/abuse and connection that makes the victim addicted to it.

Some differences between trauma bond vs love are as follows:

1. Outward charm:

The abuser is often outwardly charming. The relationship does not start of as abusive. Only when it is long enough in the relationship that the abuse begins. The victim takes very long to realise that it is an abusive relationship as the abuser will show care, charm, trust, and shower sweet words on the victim. The victim tends to think that maybe the abuse was a one-off incidence.

2. Not easy to spot in personal life

Trauma bonds can be spotted easily in other person’s life, but not your own. It is extremely difficult to see the difference between trauma bond and love when it is happening in your own life. Psychologists have attributed this to the manipulative nature of the abuser.

3. Promises to change

The abusive partner often promises to change, with fake sincerity. The victim takes it for a real apology and is determined even more to make it work from their side. This only results in deepening of the trauma bond.

4. Taking out problems on the victim

Whenever the abusers get any bad news, they will lash out and take it all out on the victim. They make the victim feel as if it is all their fault. The victim is very often an empath and feels that it is perhaps ‘understandable’ that they reacted the way they did.

When it is love, one does not take out personal problems on their partner. They simply share how they feel and seek support.

5. Isolating the victim from others

The abusers often show as if they love the victim so much that they want the victim to be always around. They slowly isolate the victim from their friends or family or anyone who can show some kindness or love.

Over time, the victim starts believing that the abuser is the only person they have in their lives, and the trauma bond further deepens.

6. Sense of control

The abuser needs a sense of control on everything that’s happening in the life of the victim. This includes wanting to know where they are, who they are with, when and how soon can they come back to the abuser, passwords on phones/emails and so on.

This can be easily misunderstood as Care; however, it is a sure sign of a trauma bond and not Love.

Hope this short writeup helps you take a stock of your Love life and find out whether you are in love or a trauma bond. It is always advisable to get professional help when it comes to mental health and relationship issues.

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